booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
