My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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