i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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