You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
