I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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