Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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