I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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