getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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