I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize