I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
