I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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