Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
