My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize