She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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