Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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