I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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