so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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