They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
