....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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