I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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