i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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