I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
