you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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