Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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