I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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