obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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