is your mom at the bar?
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
