At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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