we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
A bitchslap is in order.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
