my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Michael Bay diarrhea
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
