even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm gonna fight the coyote
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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