Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
