The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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