oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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