i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
