nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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