Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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