Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
