wakey wakey hands off snakey
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
