so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
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