you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
