you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
