I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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