She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
