just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
