So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
