I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
