just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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