youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Found your dick twin last night
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
