Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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