I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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