I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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