I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
