whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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