You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
