so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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