Moan for me like Helen Keller
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
