Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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