I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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