this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
