2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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