you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
