Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Just invented taco cereal.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize