Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
